The Twilight Years

Hi Kids! Does anyone know what time it is? That's right: It's Howdy Doody time! (music plays circus music with kids singing along with Uncle Bob and Howdy) "It's How - dy Doo - dy time, it's howdy doody time... (fading away... waking up).... back in Yuba City.

Some people have hallucinations from the PD medication. I just dream about old black and white television shows from the 1950s.,, The Howdy Doody Show, Romper Room, The Lone Ranger and Captain Kangaroo. Sick, huh? Hey, can you imagine in another 45 years when you young people will dream about Power Rangers, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, Wizards of Waverly Park and South Park (Whoa - they killed Kenny in that one. Imagine being terminated by a bunch of cartoon idiots. Talk about a nightmare?!?)

Sorry about that outburst. My mind is like a little boy who just got a puppy. I'll have to learn to control it. (Beckie would really like me to do that. The changes are almost scary to her sometimes - especially when I get a bit silly.)

Actually, I have to be careful. The past 3 weeks have been quite revealing. Parkinsons has taken it's toll on my body and I've been pushing it to the limit because I think I feel okay... and the past couple of days I've paid the price... even this evening at 6 o'clock - physical exhaustion: Virtually passed out on my bed for 2 hours... sore muscles, etc. Not to worry, though. I'm back at the computer typing this blog.

Anyway, to the point I wanted to make... about Beckie. In all of the nonsense that went on this past 4 years, as usual, I was the star of the show. (If we can be so brash to call it that).

The truth is: My wife and partner in life for 37 years is really the unsung hero.

When I was weak, she was strong.
When I needed help, she was there for me.
When the sky was falling, she kept the stars from landing on my head.
When my legs ached, she rubbed them.
When I cried, she cried with me.
When I didn't cry, she cried anyway.
She prayed. She Interceded. She is my Angel.

Beckie, over the years has been a care-giver for other people...
people with Alzheimers, Dementia, etc. But she will be the first to tell you ---- it's different with someone you love. You can walk away from your hired or voluntary service - back into your safe place. But when it's your spouse or child, you have no place to hide. No place to recover. No place to heal from the sympathetic pain that has been translated to YOU.

Beckie has been there and done that. My pain is hers. It's interesting that in my times of need, I can DO something about my disease. Mentally, emotionally, physically - my 'survival' mode kicks in and I'm no longer helpless. I'm fighting a battle.

She can't do that (directly). She can't 'Fight' for me. She cries for me and takes the pain on herself. Her battle is in the spiritual and emotional realm... and that is a MUCH bigger struggle than the physical. It can destroy a person.

There were a couple of times when I witnessed the devastation first hand. Her battle was greater than mine.... the loss of any sense of security, financial ruin on the horizon, the probability of 'end of life' moments we'd rather not think about, loss of intimacy, loss of romance (most women that I know long for those candlelight dinners near the beach with the person they have traveled this life with) and loss of joy.

Parkinsons really screws up that happy ending in the twilight years... and sometimes we don't deal with that very well. Next time you think of us, please say a prayer for Beckie. I love her very much... and she has suffered very much. We're not out of the woods yet, especially in the emotional department.

Thank you.